I want you all to meet my boss, but since that’s impossible, I’m going to try to explain to you why I find him so fantastic. It won’t have the same amazingness, but I’ll try my best.

Nothing is off limits to Brunk. Political correctness is not in his dictionary. Tact was never explained to him. There is no such thing as too far.

Things you must know about my work environment:

1) There are two ways to throw something. One must be done from a ladder and be aimed at someone else. This is called a Kaiser toss and is accompanied by yelling the world, “Kaiser!!” in a very bad German accent. The other is to throw something, usually something headed for the trash, over one’s shoulder without looking and utter the word, “I love America” in a pompous tone. As Brunk says, you show your love for your country by destroying it.

2) We have three ladders. They are, in order of height from shortest to longest: Prime, Deis Prime, and Uber Deis Prime. And the cherry picker. Which is sometimes referred to as Uber Deis Prime Jihad.

In Stagecraft class, which is also taught by Dan Brunk, we were taught about ladders. In order to demonstrate what not to do, Brunk would, say, lean off the ladder in a dangerous fashion and ask us, “Recommended or not recommended?” He also told us that we should do as he said, not as he did.

The day before he taught that, we were hanging track at work and, to get a particularly hard to reach knot, Brunk placed one foot at the top of Uber Deis Prime and the other on the Cherry picker, at least twenty feet in the air, and, only holding on with one hand, undid the tie.

Thus, during the middle of a lesson on ladder safety, I burst into laughter and had to lean on Alex until I calmed down. And only one other person got it: Scott. He works with me.

3) The word “Jihad” may be used to describe a mess created by building or cleaning anything, or just general clutter. It may also be inserted into any song or quote and should be yelled loudly from the next room to interrupt conversation.

Actually, we have developed what we think would be a great idea for the Maine University system: Jihad State University. You could major in things like Suicide Bombing. “Yeah,” says Brunk enthusiastically. “It’d be like, ‘Yeah, this semester, I’m taking Introduction to Jihad, Electronics and Detonators, First Year Seminar and Women’s’ Studies.’ And if you survive your final, you fail.”

He wants to make a website for it.

4) The phrases “too much powwa” or “not enough powwa” (that’s powwa as in “ power” in an overdone accent of Asian origin) is used to describe anything that is not just right for the job.

To “Drew it in” is to totally fail at putting in a screw so it makes that disgusting clicking sound because it can’t get any purchase. Drew is my coworker. He does this often. Also, every time we build something that isn’t…good, we put Drew’s name on it.

5) When you must take something apart, you always try to find a way to use the table saw. Up to and including four by eight platforms made out of two by and ply wood.

I love my boss. What can I say?

Let me give you a quick scene of work today:

2:30PM-I arrive at work. I walk into the theater, which is bizarrely loud today. Upon walking in, I see Abe, who only rarely comes to work. He says hello, picks up the broom (NO, ZOE, THE GREEN ONE!!) and walks off. I look up. Brunk is standing on the railing of the balcony and is in the act of tossing a Frisbee across the room. I turn and watch it cross the theater to the opposite balcony where Mike is poised to catch it. As I turn, something goes whizzing by my ear. I jump, and look down. It’s a hacky sack. My boss just threw a hacky sack at my head. “Hey!” I protest as Mike throws the Frisbee into the apparently empty audience seating. Adam leaps out of a seat, missed the Frisbee, and then chases it down the stairs.

3:00PM-Ryan and Kenny, who do not actually work for the theater, or at least for Brunk, come in and we play hacky sack. And Frisbee. At the same time. I kid you not.

3:30PM-Mike takes off and we go to cut gels (They’re the colored plastic things you put in lights to make them…colored). We’re not doing this because we need to. Brunk's latest project is to plaster the windows in the scene shop with burnt out gels and scraps so when the sun comes in, it’s all pretty colors. We spend an hour cutting and then taping gels to the windows in chair heaven. Scott comes to talk to us for some of this. I fall over a few chairs. Brunk and I discuss JSU (see #3), the initials of which Mike wrote on some R386 (I think, it’s green) gel before he left and thus we are using on the window.

4:45PM-I get off and go home.

I love my job. The other day, the first thing Brunk said to me when I walked in was, “No lying, Zoe. Where you ever chased, on foot, by the police?”

I kid you not.

Then today in class he asked us about being electrocuted. I said I had been. The conversation that followed went like this:

ME: Uh, yeah, a few times.
BRUNK: Was it an electric fence?
ME: A few of those times, yeah.
BRUNK: …Were you running from the police?
ME: Not that time, actually.

I’m sure you’ll get more Brunk stories. I tell them often.